How I Made It Through 4.5 Years of Hell

The summer has blown past me and here I am with just a few days left of the kids being home. This has me cheering internally on one level and also boo-hooing on another level. I’ll be so happy to get back to my easy routine, I run a digital marketing company from home which brings new meaning to the word CHALLENGE with the kids home. On the other hand I’ll miss being able to tell the girls to pack up on a whim and taking off for the day together.

With this end to the season I’m doing what I do best….mulling and pondering. With the change of the seasons or big events in our lives, I tend to get introspective about the experiences, lesson and growth I’ve had in my own world.

Yesterday we enjoyed a visit with 2 of the most amazing women I know, my mother-in-law and her life partner. These women have been side-by-side with us through our 11 years of marriage and have been privvy to the good and the bad which we’ve been through. As we were working away in the kitchen yesterday, my MIL’s partner took a moment to tell me that she admires me. I couldn’t believe my ears, here is a woman who I would strive to be like and I’ve somehow impressed her?

In just 3 minutes she had me feeling deeply honoured, hearing how she and my MIL have noticed the strength I’ve drawn on from God and how I turned my life around when I probably shouldn’t have due to the adversity I’ve faced.

When Life is HELL…Believe and have Faith

That conversation touched me deep within my soul and has me thinking about the changes I’ve made in my life in just 4.5 short years. I’ve gotten and remained sober (by the grace of God), have recovered from physical and cognitive limitations from a car accident, survived 2 lawsuits, experienced a career change, strengthened my faith, renewed the spark in my marriage…..the list is MASSIVE.


Over these years there have been dark days, days when I frightened myself with my desire to drink, my ability to withdraw and even by the desire to just be away….to RUN.

Thankfully I didn’t do any of the gut-reactions I faced…instead each time I turned to God. I ranted at God, raged and even cried and begged…..and somehow I managed to get through it.

It wasn’t only God I reached out to, I also turned to professionals, friends and family.

During the difficult or bloody awful moments/hours and days…I reached out for help and that is the ONLY thing which saved my life and has improved it. I firmly believed that I could get through this, I recognized how weak and broken a human can be and didn’t let my own ego get in the way of my improvement.

These days my pain is less, my health is better but there are still days when I want to hide. I am gentle with myself but also don’t take my fears as fact. My fears are powerful! I am afraid of physical pain, of loss of security and well so many other human things. This fear can easily take over if I don’t focus on my life mantra which is that God is so much stronger than I am and will provide what I need if I turn to him.

Today as I reflect I KNOW how blessed I am. I have done nothing to deserve God’s love and yet his love is more powerful and beautiful than I can explain…and I feel it.

Today I wish the same for all of you, that you will turn to God and others when you’re weak or in a dark place as this act of humility will help bring you to a new day.

Today I’d like to thank EVERYONE who reads my blog, you’ve helped save me and I am grateful!

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25 Responses

  1. I loved it. You r amazing and couldn’t be more thankful thar u shared what many of us won’t even admit too. Your on thecright road just keep walking straight ahead. God bless you Julie

  2. Thank you for sharing. I too have faced a lot of change in my life in five years…and giving it over to faith has made a huge difference in my life as well. xo

  3. Julie I love your blog, one of the first ones that I ever read and I can relate to your struggles. I admire your honesty although I know you must be suffering silently as well . Cant wait to read more from you, dont be surprised you have people who are proud of you, embrace your accomplishments. ♡ Congrats again

  4. You were shocked that someone admired you?
    No way! You are one of the reasons I so much enjoy the internet.
    Your blog was one I related to quickly, and enjoy reading on a regular basis.
    I love, love, love that you so openly speak about your faith and credit God with all He’s due.

    You are an inspiration to so many of us!


  5. It always astounds me how we can look up to someone and admire them and yet we don’t know the struggles they are going through. When I see your blog or your achievements I think to myself I wish I could do that. I understand I have had dark days and lately they have been coming more frequently. I try to remember those good moments that I think thank God I am alive to feel this, and I hold onto that feeling.

  6. A beautiful and honest post about you and your journey. I love that you’ve shared it, that you’ve been open about your life and your journey. You are an inspiration to many. We all face adversity it’s how we come through it that defines who we are. Congratulations on your way, on your journey and on the many wonderful ways you’ve come through adversity.

  7. Julie I have always loved your honesty. Thank you for sharing something so personal. I admire your strength and bravery. I am so looking forward to spending some time talking with you at Blissdom!

  8. Julie you have to be one of the most honest and open women I know. I think this is great. Thanks for bringing us along on all of your journey’s. We all have our fears and past mistakes of some kind. You are never alone out there. Keep being you and good luck in the rest of your journey.

  9. I believe the challenges He places in our lives usually turn out to be Blessings. Thank you for sharing your story. As a fellow blogger, I know it’s not easy to share/show personal vulnerabilities. I admire your strength.

    I’ve been following your blog for some time and I’m really excited about maybe getting to connect with you at FBC2014 in October. Please say you’ll be there :-)

  10. This story made me cry. You are so strong and have overcome so much. I wish I could be half the woman you are. I grew up watching my alcoholic father beat my mom and I till I left home. I later had to go back and resume my mom. My dad promised me he would quit drinking but that never happened, he promised me over and over for 25 years. Now I’m watching my brother become my dad. It’s a horrible disease that doesn’t discriminate.
    Continue to inspire Julie we all depend on you. :)
    Louise aka canadiangurly_

  11. Oh my, you were busy. But you definitely sound like you kicked but and hopefully it will be easy peasy from this day forward.

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