Almost forgot I Still Have Alcholism

with-a-drinkWith the long weekend behind me I’m reflecting on how my life has changed so drastically since I faced my alcoholism. It’s amazing to think how many long-weekends of days gone by I spent hammered and what I thought was happy.

Typically in the past when a long weekend approached my husband and I were booked up with social events. Friday evening would find me at the liquor store stocking up for the weekend.

With my over-sized swanky wine glasses polished the cork would pop by 6pm and oh I do remember that first sip of my favorite fine wine being heavenly. It marked the beginning of the freedom found in a long-weekend. Most of the weekend would be lost to evening drinking, hangovers and black outs….and yet to me this was worth looking forward to.

I always drank, from when it was legal for me to drink. And there was never a time for me when the goal wasn’t to get as hammered as I could possibly afford to. I never understood social drinking, that’s always seemed to me like kissing your sister. ~ STEPHEN KING

As we drove up North this weekend we passed a newly built LCBO (liquor store for my friends who aren’t in Canada) which is located in the perfect spot at the edge of a town on the highway. Instantly something inside me responded, my heart rate became noticeable and I felt an inner excitement.

Alcoholism Doesn’t Disappear

Over 2 years sober and my body responded to a store…..this is how the life of a recovering alcoholic works. We’re never free from it and when I least expect it my disease creeps up on me. The niggling urge was there and I knew it would continue if I didn’t face it so I followed the tips and tools I’ve learned and spoke openly to my husband about how I was feeling.

By simply acknowledging it and bringing my urges out into the open I felt a power over them. They did recede and I fortified myself by delving into a meeting and connecting with God but this reminder of who I am and how insidious the disease of alcoholism was an important for me to experience.

Today I’m grateful that I’ve found my sober life and can participate in the journey fully aware without sweeping my concerns under a proverbial rug.

Are you facing your temptations and fears head on?


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15 Responses

  1. Ah yes, that feeling that every alcoholic neuron has just gone on point like a damn Setter with a pheasant in the brush. My last experience like your recent one was a full 25 years into successful sobriety. Unbelievable what our bodies know even as our minds block it out. Or Black it out…

    You did all the right stuff, Julie, well on your way to a great life with people who reciprocate your strong feelings and understand them as well as reflecting them back to you. Congratulations for being able to write this post. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

  2. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic…isn’t that how the saying goes? Keep fessing up and taking it one day at a time. I can only imagine how hard it must be.

    (That aside- GREAT WORK!)

  3. What I love is that even *without* alcohol, you can still find your voice and express. Most, but not all, the successful alcoholics in my life are those which find their outlet in work, parenting, writing, art or taking a chance on just talking, talking about anything. So thanks for sharing and inspiring – it’s lovely, it’s interesting and it’s real.

    1. Thank you for reading Alison, I began writing quite early in my journey and have found it’s helped me greatly. It keeps me accountable and allows me to look back on how I’ve been feeling….

    1. Ahhh well we will agree to disagree, I’ve given up that fight with my ego long ago….for me it was my ego standing in the way that kept me from accepting a life without alcohol. This isn’t something I can control no matter how I title it.
      Wishing you sobriety and happiness today my friend, thank you for replying.

  4. Hi! Popping by from Canuck bloggers.i agree with Allison. This is very real and I apprd Kate that in your writing.


  5. I “liked” this post, well-written with a meaningful message. I don’t understand alcoholism, but I do understand self-destructive behaviour. I’m glad you were able to acknowledge your body’s waning signs and work your way through this challenging time.

  6. Julie! Great post. At three and a half years of sobriety, I wrestle with this same thing all the time. My second year was unbearable though. My disease had convivnced me that I was totally okay and didn’t need recovery anymore. After all, my life looked great– I had the guy, the job, the family was back. Only problem was I still had alcoholism and still need help- badly. It took feeling really uncomfortable to get me back in the rooms and back on a spiritual path. Thanks for the reminder that we don’t instantly get cured and that it all happens one day at a time. love, Sean

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