Lately I’ve been battling depression, this is different than the anger I’ve felt since the car accident. Different than the frustration of dealing with the PTSD. It has been more of an overwhelming feeling of futility.
Inside myself I still feel like the woman who is great at challenges, I feel like I can still negotiate Excel spreadsheets, manage HUGE projects, go on hikes, have amazing sex with my husband.
But feeling this way doesn’t make it a reality. Feeling like someone on the inside yet being someone different in reality (right now) has been filling me with despair. Like drops of deep sadness have been dripping over time into me and now I’m overflowing.
I hadn’t realized it because the daily struggles to survive, try to be a supportive, loving wife and mother while keeping up with my health have kept my awareness busy. Until now I’ve been maintaining the hope that I can return to normal if I work hard enough. My hope is fading.
I realized it though and prayed. It’s all I know how to do. God answered.
I went to a meeting today, I wouldn’t normally because I have my little one with me but I had a mini panic attack this morning and after praying I knew I had to go.
Before the meeting I had the chance to speak with a man who understood. He recounted for me his life about 10 years ago after an accident, injuries, feeling like a burden and how the only answer for him was to attend more meetings. He healed over time but the cloud of depression was held at by by meetings and faith. He pointed out how I was not living in today, how I was not giving it up to God fully.
He pointed out how I have been worrying about the logistics of things for my Baptism this weekend, things I have to try to do tomorrow, heck the unknown of my health a year from now.
He showed me how none of these are changeable by me, they haven’t happened yet.
God was speaking to me through this man.
I went to the meeting and this was the Daily Reflection reading:
God is being so obvious with me, He knows I need Him to.
Today I am praying, for Him to guide me, to show me the things I need to accept and the things I need to change.
I will not struggle or exert my will.
I will rely upon God.
The cloud of depression hasn’t fully lifted but there’s a light, that strong light of God will outshine the darkness.
Editing to add: Get this, just went to FB and saw my friends status…..tell me how obvious God is with me!!! My friend Jen wrote: The Lord says, ” I am he, who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you. I will sustain you and rescue you “ Isaiah 46: 4 Jen’s paraphrase: ‘I am GOD and I am the one who will sustain ‘Japan’. I have made Japan (I love Japan) and I will carry the Japanese people. I will sustain them and rescue them.’
I don’t compare my situation to those in Japan but honestly it’s the perfect verse for me today.