Child of an alcoholic, now spouse of alcoholic

Today I’m brining you the story of a woman whose husband is an alcoholic. She is sharing bravely and submitted her story anonymously in hopes of support. I’m proud to share her words.

Sober doesn’t Suck! is a safe place for people to share their stories of drinking, addiction and recovery openly and honestly. There is no requirement of sobriety for posting, if you’re concerned about your using I want to hear from you too.

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If you’d like to tell your story, your feelings about your own addiction or that of someone else in your life please head over to the Sober doesn’t Suck! page. Addiction affects the people around us, I’m interested in sharing all sides.

Please show your support to our reader who has submitted the story below.

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alcoholic

Welcome to my Rollercoaster.

My mother and biological father separated when I was a baby. My mother married my step father when I was 6 yrs old in 1991. My step dad was 21 when they got married and besides having to learn how to share my mother’s love with someone else, everything pretty much fell in line. I had a step sister that came over every other weekend which I thought was super cool.

In 1995 my mom and Dad (step dad, that I will refer to as my dad from here out bc that’s what he is) had my little sister and things were great. My mother had a job working with the state and my dad was a mechanic working at his family owned shop. They had just purchased their dream home, and things couldn’t be better.

In 1998 my mother had gastric bypass surgery, and lost a ton of weight. She was feeling good about herself and had made some new friends. She got fired from her job with state and was embarrassed and became very depressed. She started drinking heavily and we ended up having to sell the home she loved and move back in to town. Her first time in the hospital from drinking was in 2005. She would quit drinking for a month or two but would start back. By this time I’m 19 and in cosmetology school and in and out of the house. I met my husband at this time and he had problems with substances but not really alcohol.  I knew he was a good person, and I knew that if someone would just love him and care for him, he would find that in himself as well. So I did.

In 2008 we had our first child, and my mother had just gotten out of the hospital from drinking again. She was so ill from drinking that she had to use a wheelchair in the hospital when I was having our baby. We came home from the hospital, and my mom really enjoyed having her first grandchild. She quit drinking again for 3-4 months and was even keeping our son while we worked. I remember thinking, this is all she needed! She needed to feel needed.

2011 rolls around and we find out we are pregnant again in December of that year. My mom was tickled to death and took me to my first OB appt. We found out at that appt that I had had a miscarriage. David and I had been together for 7 years at that time and decided that we would finally get married in February of 2012, and we did.

In late March of 2012 my mother went in the hospital from drinking for the last time, and I was pregnant again. My mother came home from the hospital on April 8th 2012, and died at home on April 11th. I was 26 yrs old and I completely shut off all emotions. I became a completely different person.  So mad at my mother for leaving me for alcohol. I couldn’t, and still can’t understand it.

Fast forward to today, and David and I have been together going on 13 years, married almost 6 of those years and he drinks every day. He drinks before we do anything on the weekends, drinks at any restaurant we go to that has alcohol, and will pack cooler of beer to take with us anywhere we go. He was with me through my mother’s drinking problems and watched the emotional Rollercoaster, I would ride when she would quit drinking and start back.

He knows better than anyone how I feel about it. He knows I don’t want my two boys, to grow up thinking it’s okay to drink daily.

Last Friday he brought me into the kitchen were he poured out all his beer while I watched. He told me he was done with it. He told me he could tell what it was doing to him physically and mentally.  He told me he knows what it’s doing to our relationship.  Saturday, and Sunday were great. We spent time together, and actually had conversations with each other.  We teased each other. It was wonderful. Come monday evening he had to have a beer to be able to sleep. He had to have a beer that night to be able to work Tuesday. Then Tuesday evening he had a couple more than what he had the night before,and here I am writing this on Wednesday, anxiously waiting for him to come home, to see how many it will be knowing that we are back to normal.

He is everything I want when he is sober. He is everything I despise when he is drinking. I’ve told him I’m no longer going to speak about his drinking, but he needs to know I am doing what I need to, to take myself and our children out of this mess. And now…I guess we wait…

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13 Responses

  1. Thank you for sharing. I can relate to much of your story. My father was an alcoholic and would come home to beat up my mother while my brother and I hid in closets or under the bed while she screamed and cried. It was horrible. She left him, but ended up getting back together and, surprisingly, they are still together over 40 years later. He sobered up at the thought of losing his family.
    Flash forward to my life 7 years ago when I started dating my husband. I saw that he liked to drink, but didn’t think he was an alcoholic. He was very high functioning, successful, fun, and lovable…nothing like the alcoholic father I experienced. But, over time I began to see a pattern in my husband…he drank very often. He will pass out drunk, act irrationally, come home buzzed or drunk late to dinner, drink and drive, and most recently been taken twice by ambulance to the ER because he fell in a restaurant in one instance and was found passed out in a mens bathroom at a fancy hotel and bloodied from hitting his head. I have become very intolerant over the years and quite frankly disgusted by his behavior. And the lies…oh the lies…to cover up his drinking. I’ve begged him to go to therapy. He will quit on his own, but only for short stints. He does not see himself as an alcoholic. As a matter of fact, he blames part of the drinking on the fact that he thinks I am unsupportive on some business dealings and similar matters the past couple of years. I’m growing more and more tired of living like this even though I love him very much. My biggest fear is to live with regrets if I leave him. How does one get past this feeling and know what to do? I keep thinking…the next time something big happens I will go unless he gets treatment. But, sadly, I wonder if I really will.

    1. I’m currently in a similar situation only a child is involved. I’m scared of what will happen with custody if I leave. I see your post is from several years ago, has your circumstances changed at all? Would love your input.

    2. It’s a dis-ease. It controls every aspect of them. I left divorced him and remarried him. So leaving is not the answer unless he’s harming you physically or mentally. From alcohol came pills. I’m so naive. Finally I said this is not fair to me I deserve better and he left and went to see a doctor to help him get off pills. Took two years of being on medication to help him.if the person does not want to improve and stop themselves then it won’t stop. I am miserable and. Sad as I have never felt love of a man.I love myself and do many things alone. Idont want todo things alone any,more. I worked a $16 job for 20 years and worked. Minimum wage jobs before that as he was a merchant marine and I tried college but had no help with my kids as he was always drunk or gone so needless to say I cannot support myself at 64 . He controls “his” money. I have my social security which is a joke and will not give lawyers the satisfaction of getting the rest of our money. So go to Alanon detach with love and don’t be angry as addiction IS an evil awful disease. Best thing shut up focusand you and the kids and tell them the truth about addiction so they’ll NEVER become one.

      Let go let God. They’ll either stop and get help and work their program and change their life for the better, die or go to jail. That’s their future. So I say educate yourself so you cand support yourself in this high priced world. I didn’t and now I’m stuck. Lived this life far too long. Didn’t cause it, can’t cure it, and CANNOT CONTROL IT!God bless you all I pray for us all in this situation.

  2. I understand so much that it hurts me to think about it. My father was an alcoholic and most of my child hood was him coming and going. At the time I was a child and just wanted to see him. It was always a mess with strange things occurring. Fast forward to today and I have 3 children with a man I love dearly, my husband.The only thing is he has drank since I knew him. Everyone liked him and he had a job when we first met, I feel in love with him and then became pregnant with our son. Shortly after he was born and during the last few months of my pregnancy I could tell he loved to drink. I remember pleading to him crying to stop. H never did but things got better. Then we moved because we are military and finally came home to my home town. We bought a house and of course the day we signed papers to close, he was drinking. It broke my heart and made me feel very depressed. I mean there are so many holidays and occasions that he never woke up for and it hurt me then just as much as it does now. He did go to in house rehab through the VA and the few weeks after he got out were the best days we have ever had. No worries about coming home to a drink man who wants to fight and be anger. Now he is drinking more then he did before rehab and keeps telling me he will never go back. I love him with all my heart but I feel defeated

  3. God bless you. I’m an alcoholic 28th February 2012 was my last drink and I’ve lived with an addict. His was crack
    With the best will in the world, you cannot help someone with an addiction till they admit they have a problem and then they decide they want to fix that problem
    An addict will lie to you, steal from you, sell you down the river if they want their poison bad enough and promise you anything . It doesn’t matter how much you love him, How much you reason, cajole or beg, it won’t last unless he’s made up his mind to stop. STOP.
    I sat here tonight and wrote my story, my addiction. How it spiralled from a few drinks in the evening to 2 litres of vodka a day. I had to stop for a bit I was crying so hard I couldn’t see the screen
    It felt like I was reliving it. And it scared me, because I know I could so easily be dead. Scared me, how vividly I can remember kneeling on the kitchen floor in the dark fishing for a half litre hidden under the unit and heaving as I drank, trying not to vomit
    The panic, the dread the fear and the knowledge that after struggling for a 10 days not to drink if I didn’t get help this time when I went to the alcohol centre I would drink because I wasn’t strong enough to do it on my own.
    I can feel it now, my stomach in knots, my heart racing. Skin damp. Reliving the thought If I don’t get Help today,I’ll drink. I’LL BE DEAD
    PLEASE don’t let his addiction ruin your life or your children’s. Walk away if you have to, I did when my partner was an addict. He decided to get clean and win me back.
    I sincerely hope everything works out for you. And I mean that from the bottom of my heart but he’s got to want it for himself..
    God Bless you xxxxx

  4. I really appreciate your efforts and courage to share your story with us. It really hurts to have your loved one trapped in an addiction. I can relate to it, as I have been there with my husband through his alcohol addiction. Life is terrible when your partner is just physically with you, but his soul is drowned in alcohol. Yes, today, he leads a normal life with us, but I have had my tough times with him. Thanks for sharing your story. I wish and pray that you soon will be living a completely normal family life.

  5. My father would drink a beer or two in the evenings after work (he was a Chef) My mother never drank. My sisters do drink, but I don’t. I could have a drink once in a blue moon, but stopped after one and can for years without a glass of wine or drink. So why post? I was 43 when I met the man I would marry. Having never been, praying for… I met and fell in love. He was a recovering alcoholic having drank since he was about 13 till his mid 30’s and sober for over a year when I met him. I heard all the “partying” day stories, the going into rehab…I heard all the stories and the “I’m okay” when I would ask “would you drink again?”….. Never once in the 13 years together and having married over a year ago-did I ever feel worried or thought he would drink again. But he did… working 7 days a week, one full time job and a company he started to one day be able to support us, so he could leave the job he hated. Then around the same time he was closing his business a dear family friend passed, then 3 weeks later his mother suddenly. I know it was too much for him to handle, I tried talking to him, offering support. However I learned he started drinking…not a year into our marriage. I never put my self in situations of being around “drunks”. I always walked away because I knew I was “worth more than that.” Now we will approach our 2 year anniversary and all the nights coming home from work to find he had been drinking. Ignoring me, playing music really loud, repeating his conversations, acting “stupid” and unattractive to me. The anger, the hurt…the feelings of “you ruined our perfect relationship and marriage.”…the feeling of “it will never be the same.”……I’ve talked myself blue to “please try a AA meeting” and “you were sober for 13 years, you did it once, you can do it again.”…. Now I think “do I tell him, you either go to meetings, or I am filing for divorce.”……..do I want that? NO…….I waited my whole life for him, and I still love him, I however don’t love him when he is drinking…… I never thought for one moment I would be feeling this, or going through this ……but here I am. Lost, confused and not sure what to do. I tried Ala anon….felt completely lost and confused and probably won’t go back. Would I go to counseling with him? Yes if I could get him to some. I read all the articles, and posts…..some of it makes sense some of it doesn’t. How can I compete with getting him sober when nothing he says makes sense? His parents drank, his brother drinks. Will they support me in helping him? I’ve told the sister in law, I know the brother knows…….all they say is “I’ve known him longer than you, I’ll talk to him.” I’m his wife! Yet my sister in law says “don’t talk to him, I will.”? I pray hard every night to take this alcohol out of his life and mine…..I pray for the man I married a little more than a year ago come back to me and everything goes back to the way it was. Maybe I’m wrong for posting here, but I’m grasping here to learn what to do or what to say or not say. thanks for reading/listening maybe post something back to me if it will help.

    1. Hi there, first of all I am sorry for you and for him that alcohol has taken over. I’m not a doctor but I’d ask you why you are hesitating talking to him? Ultimately when someone is an alcoholic in your life where will be a time when you have to draw your own boundaries. This is a person you love…and you need to have this conversation when he is in a sober state. He may not be ready to hear you which is why I personally went to Al-anon to learn my own boundaries and how I could uphold them when a family member was active. I will be supporting you from here

  6. Thank you guys for your stories, and support! it’s a tough subject to speak openly about. To update everyone, of course he is drinking daily, and of course I am still here. I think I have myself convinced that I will deal with this in till the boys get big enough to understand why Mom and Dad just can’t be together. If I bring up leaving to him, he goes to the kids and tells them things like “mom doesn’t want to be with Dad, Mom wants to go party, and do whatever she wants.” Or he will use prescription’s I’ve taken previously as prescribed and say “Your Mom is taking drugs, and when she takes these drugs they make her want to leave Dad.” I can’t handle him saying that stuff to them and I know that as long as the boys are too young to decide for their self in the eyes of the court weather or not they want to stay with him.

    Sober Julie, I have spoken to him about it a few times throughout our relationship on his sober days. He will change for a week or so, but normally we are back to our regularly scheduled programming before long. I also attended Al-Anon for about 3 months. It was very helpful for me to gain some strength and “power” over myself. My husband half-ass supported me; you know, he would say the right things but he didn’t mean it. I read the book Codependent No More, and I could relate to every single page. He told me at that time that he felt like I was just trying to find reasons to leave him, and separate the family. So I quit going and tried to act like everything was fine, which it was for a short while. But we are right back to where we always go. I pray that one day I get a huge set of you know what’s and leave, in till then I try to stay busy and keep the peace for my kids sake.

  7. “He is everything I want when he is sober. He is everything I despise when he is drinking.”. This…right here what I feel exactly.

    I grew up with an alcoholic mother…anytime she drank it was awful…Christmases were ruined, dinners, church gatherings….you name it. After years of all this, she finally got help and I am beyond proud of my mom for being over 25 years now sober. She actually is now a speaker for AA and helps many accross the nation.

    Fast forward now to my adulthood…

    I married my best friend, who is from El Salvador and drinking is very common there. He started drinking at 12 years old…he is now 43 years old.

    When we first got together, drinking used to be fun…he would get horny, act crazy fun…

    Right around the time he turned 40…I started noticing that alcahol would cause him to become this narcissist, hostile, angry mean person.

    I personally stopped drinking all together the last 2 years…I was never a big drinker at all. Now I’ve noticed, my body doesn’t handle it at all- it hits me hard.

    We’ve had some issues when he has gotten drunk…that the last 2 years has pushed him to really slow down and work in stopping all together….in fact he promised me he would stop 100%.

    But the battle rages on…this fu*ken addiction especially since it started when he was 12 years old is hard to overcome.

    He has gotten better…my gosh compared to where he used to be when we first got together…drinking two big bottles of whisky or vodka…a 24 pack, with 2 bottles of wine…a complete miracle by Jesus that my husband didn’t end up dead somewhere.

    This is so hard to overcome, especially in the latin community…where drinking is so common.

    When he doesn’t drink…he is the sweetest, kindest, hard working, man of honor, integrity…Jesus honoring and loving man. But when he drinks, everything goes down south…he becomes this other person…this mean, cold hearted hostile, angry & hateful person.

    I am praying to Jesus for freedom for my husband from all this.

    Alcohol is the most selfish and destructive decease…It just wants to quickly satisfy but it doesn’t think of the consequences…the wools in your life who love you how it affects them and you….and the destruction it brings them and the alcoholic.

    1. Alcohol is the most selfish and destructive decease…It just wants to quickly satisfy but it doesn’t think of the consequences…those in your life who love you how it affects them and you….and the destruction it brings them and the alcoholic*** (Auto correct messed up the last sentence)

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