Chronic Pain + Depression + Anxiety Today I’m Lost

We all know I’m a fan of honesty, being “straight-up” about things….but I haven’t really been able to do that in all aspects of my life here and frankly haven’t wanted to lose your interest as I lament about my physical pain, anxiety and cognitive disabilities. I’ve been avoiding these topics, partially because of ego I’m sure….God granted me a healthy portion of ego to tout around in life, constantly battling to keep it in check.

Should I name my ego to make it clear or is that egotistical, see the things which go through my brain to irritate me increasingly? And irritated I am these days…..I’m sick and tired of being incapable.

As usual I’m leaping forward in my mind, trying to line my thoughts up in a row to have them come out well….oh look there’s my cognitive issues….sigh.

anxietyToday as my mind slowly woke I was greeted by pain, a searing pain that travels from the top of my head and thumps its way throughout my body. Before I had even opened my eyes I knew it was a day I’d lose. This day won’t be constructive in any way, this is one instance where the pain will snatch away memories I could have made. These days come frequently, typically it’s after I’ve tried to live a normal routine for any period of time…..such as being present to participate in the first week of school excitement.

Apparently I was expecting to much from my body when I agreed to help cover lunch room supervision for my school while they arranged other coverage…..yeah because it’s such a HUGE effort to go to the school for 40 minutes twice a day and be a shadow in the room….

Can you see where this is going, now the depression sets in, my mind goes to that dark place where there is no comfort, no reasoning. Within depression the actual reality of my situation over the past 2.5 years hits me and I get stuck feeling in my soul how unfair my life has become. The cloak of nothingness fits me so well today as I struggle to keep my heart above its collar.

In my heart somewhere is the knowledge that this too shall pass. That tomorrow is another day which could be a good one, it sees the glimpses of God’s plan which today I cannot. The fight to keep hope that tomorrow will come is today’s struggle as this sick, sinking feeling of doom arises.

Describing this while being in the midst isn’t easy, I’m much better at pretending it doesn’t exist. This takes guts I don’t really have, the reality is that I’m an avoider, apt to turn a blind eye and sweep this under a rug drawing into my cocoon in solitary lost in my sorrow.

Writing this brings up anxiety….what will you all think, does anyone even read this mess that is pouring out of me? Why bother, isn’t it much better to write once this passes and give tips on how I’ve gotten through these days? “Julie you SUCK, stop being so WEAK” screams something from within! Will this ever get better?

As I sit and feel terrified of the future, how will we survive financially, will I ever get to ride a bike again, will I ever be able to horseplay with my children and dance with my husband? The unknowns fly through my mind rapidly as my scattered brain begins to fragment…..

Today sucks.

I’ve been here many times before over the past few years. This isn’t new territory but it doesn’t negate the actuality of how it feels today. I know that tomorrow will be new, that there is another side to this dark tunnel but right now it’s so far away.

The only thing I can do is keep my mind where my hands are, give into the need to rest, pray and lower my expectations of myself…..and share this to hopefully get it out….scare the socks off of it and maybe it will improve? A wishful thought I’m sure.

That’s what I’m doing today….as I attempt to become somewhat “normal” before the girls arrive home after school and my Mommy mask is slapped on. Let’s hope it’s not too cracked today.


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31 Responses

  1. Ah, it’s that pull, that MUST DO of the mommy mask that gives us strength to make it.

    It’s my birthday this month, and I’ve never enjoyed my birthday.

    i love others’, but not mine: it brings back memories of not getting celebrated as a child.

    Very sad memories.

    Julie, it’s a hard road, I know you know that, but we’re here.

    And we can listen.

    All my love.

  2. Oh Julie, hang in there! It’s so easy to be an avoider, isn’t it? I did that for years before finally deciding that I would meet everything that approached me with the force of an incredibly cheerful runaway freight train. Just doing that (though it makes me incredibly anxious at the time) makes me feel great after. I’ll bet writing this will do the same thing for you. I’ll be thinking of you!

  3. You know me and what I’ve been through and the battle I fight and you understand that all I know to do is fight with the Word.

    Proverbs 4:20-23, “My son, attend to my words; consent and submit to my sayings. Let them not depart from your sight; keep them in the center of your heart. For they are life to those who find them, healing and health to all their flesh. Keep and guard your heart with all vigilance and above all that you guard, for out of it flow the springs of life.”

    I’m here for you, praying for you.

  4. Awww hang in there Julie! Take things day by day and try not to focus on what you cannot do, but focus on yourself and pushing through those tough moments! It’s amazing what we as moms manage to do even when we’re feeling our worst isn’t it? You have lots of support here! :)

  5. Oh, Julie! How I wish I lived closer to you. Even if I cannot make things better for you, I could try to make things easier for you. If there is anything I can do from here, please let me know. You know I’m only a phone call away, lady! Luv ya! xo

  6. Oh Julie, I know that we are just “online friends” but, you know that if you ever need a shoulder or ear, I’m here. Days suck, we all carry around burdens–some more than others. You’re allowed to feel this way, no one has the right to judge you. So, don’t let anxiety stop you from releasing what you are feeling. ((HUGE HUGS)) You are an amazing lady, know that!

  7. I know how you feel, Julie. I’ve been suffering with chronic pain and fatigue for 15 years and nothing I do seems to make it any better. The feeling of “what has my life become” and “where is my life going” hangs over me constantly. I keep saying I’m coping but sometimes I just can’t take it anymore. If it weren’t for prayer and my kids I don’t know where I’d be.

    Embrace the good days, or moments. And if you ever need to talk, you know where I am.

  8. Hiya my friend.. well I have nothing to offer you but a friendly cyber hug and wishes of a happier you once a new day rolls around. Anxiety in itself sucks as I suffer from it every day. Panic disorder.. its a wonderful place. Anyhoo know that your not alone in dealing with life’s down times. I can only wish you more up times going forward.

    You are a rock for so many, totally wish you could turn the tide on YOU.

    Biggie hugs.

    Luv ya lots :)

  9. I hope you feel better soon. Thanks for being honest about something so many of us suffer from and having the courage to write about it.

  10. Julie, I don’t have anything inspirational to say except that I think you are an amazing person. You don;t have to hide your feelings away and I will always make myself available if you need to talk to a third party that you’ve never met :D I spent two years fighting the anxiety/pain battle and managed to break free from it, so i know exactly the feelings you are talking about. You’re a great woman, mother and friend so I hope you’ll remember that going forward! Chris

  11. Hi Julie

    Over the last 10 years I have become completely isolated from “physical” friends due to chronic pain, major chronic depression and borderline personality disorder, I was an active addict while I was raising my children and now that they are adults, my actions of the past are causing them to have such trouble with life, which saddles me with guilt. Since my mom passed away in 2009 I have nobody to talk to really. Basically, I’m not trying to unload my problems onto you lol I’m just trying to let you know that you aren’t alone and I hope that you see the “light” sooner rather than later. Depression is such a sneaky disease and can catch us all off guard but it also takes its own sweet time and decides on its own when it wants to let up for a minute.

    Sending you love and light!


  12. Hi Julie,

    I cried reading this. Although my situation is different, your thoughts seem to be very similar to mine. It is nice to know that I am not the only one that thinks like this, but at the same time it hurts to see someone go through this.

    Please know you are not alone.
    Big hugs to you.


  13. I so wish I could make you feel better and I truly mean that. I have lived with a rare illness since I was 20 and have on’going issues with cronic back pain as well. These things have kept me from having children…A far deeper painful topic for me…It’s made me very empthatic towards others. I know the feeling of putting on a face for others and trying sooo hard not to lose valueable moments. You are not alone and I send prayers. I am sure I’ve had depression but mostly alot of anxiety. Do whatever it takes to capture joyful moments because they carry us forward. Thankyou for sharing…I always remember when I have a particular bad day that I’m not the only one and although that certainly doesn’t make me feel better it moves me forward…

    1. It’s so true Rhonda, when I’m at my lowest I think of the folks who have it even worse than I think I do. This helps me bring it into perspective….thank you for sharing xoxo

  14. Julie, thanks for posting this, I sit here on my couch with chronic pain, infections one after another and a few conditions it took them 10 years to find, I wake up in pain daily and know the feeling of not being good enough and feeling like life is passing me by, which it is, I knew I wasn’t alone but seeing the women posting on here that seem so put together including you gives me hope!! Which is more than I have most days! Hope you feel better and a huge hug to you, the bright side we are here for another beautiful day:)

    1. Ah yes we do appear “together” don’t we and yet we all have cracks in that facade. Thank you for opening up to me here Doris, it has validated that by sharing we can benefit

  15. Big cyber hugs Julie ((((hugz)))). I know the feeling all too well. I know what a hug can do! You know this feeling will pass, you are a very smart cookie!! You are a wonderful person, beautiful inside and out! I know at this very minute you may not feel like it. But when you are feeling better you will realize this to be true. “This too shall pass”. You are not alone, look at all your friends here that care about you!

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